I Broke Today 6/10/2011

I broke today.

Completely snapped.

Curled into a ball on the floor sobbing.

I don’t want this.  I DON’T want this.  I don’t WANT this.  I don’t want THIS.  I DON’T WANT THIS!!!!!

I don’t want Bubba to have problems sitting through a meal.  I don’t want him to have an overwhelming compulsion to get up and run and crash into the couch over and over.  I don’t want him to have to do it again and again while he’s supposed to be sitting and eating.  I don’t want him to get breadcrumbs all over the carpet and peanut butter all over the couch.  I don’t want him to have to eat gluten free casin free bread that crumbles so easily.  I don’t want to be getting upset about all of these things even though I know he can’t help it, and the GFCF diet is for his own good.  I don’t want to watch myself lose it over things so insignificant as crumbs on the floor and peanut butter on the couch.  I don’t want Bubs to laugh at me as he watches me cry.  I don’t want for him to not understand that I’m upset and crying.  I certainly don’t want him to understand WHY I’m upset and crying.

I DON’T WANT AUTISM!!!

I’m not as close to acceptance as I thought I was.

I didn’t realize I’d have to accept myself and my own shortcomings as well as accepting that my. son. has. autism.  I can’t even actually say it out loud yet.

This isn’t who I want to be.  This isn’t what I want for my family.  This isn’t what I want for my precious boy.

AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!!

and there’s nothing I can do about it.

nothing.

so powerless.

so helpless.

so completely at the mercy of a terrible monster that I can’t even see, let alone fight.

I have always, always been able to do something to make my life better when it got bad.  I have always had the strength to end bad things, put them behind me and move on.  But I can’t end this.

it won’t end

it will always be there

I have no idea what form it will take, but

it. will. always. be. there.

I know there are a lot of therapies, and practices, and theories and things I can do with Bubba to help him grow and learn.  I know there’s hope for recovery and possibly someday a cure.  But today, right now, there’s nothing I can do.

I hate waiting.  I hate anticipation, even of good things.  I hate suspense, I hate surprises.  And now I have to wait and anticipate.  I have to wait for the paperwork to come so I can fill it out to hopefully get Bubs a medical evaluation before he turns 3 (so the state pays for it through the Early Intervention program).  I have to wait for the school district to call me (not until sometime late July/early August) to set up their evaluation to determine where he will be placed after he turns 3.

Usually when I break and have a good cry, I feel better later.

I don’t feel any better.

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One Response to I Broke Today 6/10/2011

  1. Momofzoe says:

    I remember those days so well… Acceptance is like layers of an onion. You will get through this part, and then another year down the road, you’ll find something else hit you in the gut about your child and autism. It totally sucks. But:

    There ARE good days. And your involvement with Bubba and your dedication to making his life fulfilled DOES make a difference. Hang in there. Please hang in there.

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