I broke today.
Curled into a ball on the floor sobbing.
I don’t want this. I DON’T want this. I don’t WANT this. I don’t want THIS. I DON’T WANT THIS!!!!!
I don’t want Bubba to have problems sitting through a meal. I don’t want him to have an overwhelming compulsion to get up and run and crash into the couch over and over. I don’t want him to have to do it again and again while he’s supposed to be sitting and eating. I don’t want him to get breadcrumbs all over the carpet and peanut butter all over the couch. I don’t want him to have to eat gluten free casin free bread that crumbles so easily. I don’t want to be getting upset about all of these things even though I know he can’t help it, and the GFCF diet is for his own good. I don’t want to watch myself lose it over things so insignificant as crumbs on the floor and peanut butter on the couch. I don’t want Bubs to laugh at me as he watches me cry. I don’t want for him to not understand that I’m upset and crying. I certainly don’t want him to understand WHY I’m upset and crying.
I DON’T WANT AUTISM!!!
I’m not as close to acceptance as I thought I was.
I didn’t realize I’d have to accept myself and my own shortcomings as well as accepting that my. son. has. autism. I can’t even actually say it out loud yet.
This isn’t who I want to be. This isn’t what I want for my family. This isn’t what I want for my precious boy.
AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!!
and there’s nothing I can do about it.
so completely at the mercy of a terrible monster that I can’t even see, let alone fight.
I have always, always been able to do something to make my life better when it got bad. I have always had the strength to end bad things, put them behind me and move on. But I can’t end this.
it won’t end
it will always be there
I have no idea what form it will take, but
it. will. always. be. there.
I know there are a lot of therapies, and practices, and theories and things I can do with Bubba to help him grow and learn. I know there’s hope for recovery and possibly someday a cure. But today, right now, there’s nothing I can do.
I hate waiting. I hate anticipation, even of good things. I hate suspense, I hate surprises. And now I have to wait and anticipate. I have to wait for the paperwork to come so I can fill it out to hopefully get Bubs a medical evaluation before he turns 3 (so the state pays for it through the Early Intervention program). I have to wait for the school district to call me (not until sometime late July/early August) to set up their evaluation to determine where he will be placed after he turns 3.
Usually when I break and have a good cry, I feel better later.
I don’t feel any better.